Expression of self

In my life I have been doing all kinds of small and big things that I’m proud of, but never really showed and acknowledged them in public, as well as to myself. It’s been hard for me to really show myself. I showed some of my work and thoughts on my previous blog http://wanderingtreechild.wordpress.com, but was always afraid of officially connecting it to my name. I always felt that I was exposing myself in a way that I wasn’t prepared to handle. Will I loose my credibility for the work I have been doing? Or for my future work? Will I embarass someone who knows me?

There is a TED talk by Brene Brown (brene brown on vulnerability) that always creates some kind of reaction inside me. Sometimes it’s motivation, inspiration and courage that I can hug my vulnerabilities and grow stronger because of them. Other times the feeling that comes up is more like denial; that there has to be another way to get rid of my vulnerabilities and fears. It is my wish, to be able to identify the situations where I feel like I’m in denial, to accept it the way it is, and still find the courage to take my next step.

So for me, having this blog is a way of helping me to find the courage – piece by piece – to see my fears and insecurities, and learn to hug them, like them, accept them as part of myself. And maybe inspire you or others to do the same.

By now I feel relatively safe to write about ideas or theories that someone has that I agree with. And even developing my own ideas and writing about them doesn’t really scare me that much any more. After all, it’s just one of many ideas I have throughout my life. They come and go so fast, that I don’t really identify with them on a personal level. What scares me the most, is writing about my struggles, showing all the parts of me that I’m embarrassed of, that are not as well developed as I would want them to be.

Since I’ve worked in the field of (IT) Security for quite some time, it is a real challenge, not only personally but also professionally and philosophically to see opportunities in taking risks and allowing vulnerability, but it’s a challenge I want to face.

I’m also always interested to hear your thoughts. What are the things that you struggle with? What is it that you don’t want others to see?