I’m fed up!

I didn’t write for such a long time, because I always valued other tasks as more important. Task for my job, tasks for the projects I’m part of, tasks my friends or family asked me to, tasks that I thought were expected of me.

No matter what, it was always more important than to do the things that made me happy at the moment. And when I finally had time, I had to play a defiant little child almost as long as I had worked before. Every time I was mad at myself afterwards, that I didn’t assign my wishes a higher priority. That anger and defiance was expressed in a way that I just didn’t want to do anything any more. Not even the things that would make me happy.

But now I’m sitting here, feeling like a rebell, that I’m finally able to express how I feel. And I’m fed up! I began quite some time ago to consciously deal with myself, my inner parts, and consciously observe the world around me.

This lead to me following a lot of facebook pages writing about what to consider when being on a journey of self discovery, what you have to do to be able to have healthy relationships, how important it is to have inner and outer silence, and all the other things I still need to learn, before I’m allowed to feel good in my own skin.

Yes, I know that I can just unfollow these pages, but then I would miss the few imputs that actually help me see a new side of me, won’t I?

And all the people that present themselves as if they already made it. People that are sometimes 10 years my junior and that seem as if they have all their shit together. I’m fed up!

Of course is helpful and important to have role models to see what else is possible an that you could do it too. And I get that you want to show off your best side to show what you accomplished. But very often that just makes me feel even more inadequate.

I know that there are a lot of projections in that text, and I know how to probably treat them. But to be honest, sometimes I just don’t want to! Sometimes I just want to be angry. Not have to “improve” myself again. Sometimes I just want to be with my anger, to be fed up with all the “bad” in the world. Not having to blame myself to still have another projection where other people trigger something that is not their fault. Bullshit! I’m not even angry at someone particular. It is important for me, not only to present that bright and shiny goal, but to show what is there at the moment.

Yes I know that state where everything is awesome like on drugs and that is nice. But I also want to have the right and the room, not to have to be in that state. Simply to sit there in my imperfection and let the world be.

Very often it helps me to read or hear something that Stefan Hiene (site in german only) said. He is so refreshingly radical about doing his thing without obeying the rules of others. Not hiding his imperfections and being amazing because of it. Thank you for that!

pressure and the need to do something

It has been a time of highs and lows for me the past few weeks. I’m usually very easily overwhelmed by my emotions, so I constructed an intricate pattern of safety nets, not to get tangled up in them. This has – for a long time – served me well in supporting me not to feel very much at all. The side effect of it is though, that the emotions don’t really go away. They are still here, they seem to be getting stronger, and I feel like I can’t handle them, because I’m not used to it.

So probably, they’re not really that big, but if you are lying on the floor, not remembering that you could get up or how you could get up, it seems like an insurmountable thing to handle. Especially if you see a tractor, or even a small scooter coming at you.

Yesterday, I felt like a truck hit me. I saw it coming for a long time – creeping closer every second. This is actually already a big accomplishment for me, since I would have just looked at the ground in the past… So I watched while it was getting bigger and bigger. I was so afraid it would hit me. And somehow, suddently I got up. Looked right at it while it was coming. I took a step to the left – it adjusted its course. I took a step to the right – it adjusted again. I tried to reason with it, but how can you reason with a truck?

And then, somehow, it stopped. Right in front of me. It didn’t really hit, but that fear of really looking, really dealing with what’s coming, trying to fight it, and then dealing with all the dust that was swirling around, wrapping my head around the fact that it didn’t hit me… That still has me rattled, more than a day later.

It’s probably similar with most of the emotions someone has to deal with. For me this time it was about the pressure I put on myself to do something (for all kinds of different reasons). That need to put pressure on myself is either triggered by some belief, some action that happens, or a person. I understand that it’s just myself that’s doing the pushing, so most of the time I do not put blame on some outside thing or person. That’s not really the point anyway.

The hard thing to deal with is the actual emotions. So – if I look at my analogy again, the truck was the trigger. Usually I just let that pressure wash over me and force myself to do whatever it takes to not feel it any more. Mostly that’s just running faster, working harder, closing my eyes to what’s actually there.

Yesterday , I saw it all coming, I felt all the pressure beforehand, really felt it in my whole body, from my head to my toes. And then I said NO. I might want to do that, but at the moment I could only do it under pressure and it’s just not worth it. I don’t under any circumstance (except theats to my life) want to do that any more.

I don’t know how to do it differently, but that’s just a new process that I have to try. It’s hard work to find a new way of doing some thing differently that you have done in one way for as long as you can remember. But that’s a kind of work that I want to put in.

Expression of self

In my live now and again I achieved smaller and bigger things that I’m proud of, but never really showed publicly or kept as small as possible. I didn’t even really admit it to myself, that I was proud. It was and still is really hard for me, to really show myself. I did manage to show parts of what I accomplished and some of my thoughts in my previous blog http://wanderingtreechild.wordpress.com, but was always too afraid to connect it to my name. I always had the feeling that I wasn’t ready to open myself up to the effects that it would generate. Would I loose my credibility at my previous work? Or some future work? Would I embarrass someone that knows me?

There is a TED talk by Brene Brown (Brene Brown on vulnerability),that always causes different reactions in myself. Sometimes there is a feeling of motivation, inspiration and bravery, that I can embrace my insecurities and grow and become stronger through it. Sometimes there is a feeling of denial. The feeling, that there has to be another way to get rid of these insecurities and fears. It is my wish to really stay with me, in situations where the feelings of denial come up, and to be courageous nonetheless to take the next step.

For me, this blog is also a way to help myself to find my own courage, to see my fears and insecurities step by step, to embrace them, to like them, and to accept them as part of myself. And maybe I can inspire you or others to do the same.

By now I feel relatively secure when I write about ideas and theories that were developed by someone else, but that I like and support. And also creating and writing about own ideas doesn’t ignite fear inside me. It is actually just one of many ideas that I have during my whole life. Ideas come and go so fast, that I don’t personally identify with. What really scares me is to write about things that I can’t do (yet). It scares me to show all the parts of me that are embarrassing, because I can’t (yet) do them as well as I would like.

Because I’ve been in the area of (IT) security for quite some time, it is a really big challenge for me – not only on a personal level, but also professionally and philosophically – to see new possibilities in taking risks and allowing vulnerability. But it is a challenge that I want to accept.

I’m always interested to also read your thoughts on this topic. What are the things that challenge you? What are the things you don’t want others to see?