I’m fed up!

I didn’t write for such a long time, because I always valued other tasks as more important. Task for my job, tasks for the projects I’m part of, tasks my friends or family asked me to, tasks that I thought were expected of me.

No matter what, it was always more important than to do the things that made me happy at the moment. And when I finally had time, I had to play a defiant little child almost as long as I had worked before. Every time I was mad at myself afterwards, that I didn’t assign my wishes a higher priority. That anger and defiance was expressed in a way that I just didn’t want to do anything any more. Not even the things that would make me happy.

But now I’m sitting here, feeling like a rebell, that I’m finally able to express how I feel. And I’m fed up! I began quite some time ago to consciously deal with myself, my inner parts, and consciously observe the world around me.

This lead to me following a lot of facebook pages writing about what to consider when being on a journey of self discovery, what you have to do to be able to have healthy relationships, how important it is to have inner and outer silence, and all the other things I still need to learn, before I’m allowed to feel good in my own skin.

Yes, I know that I can just unfollow these pages, but then I would miss the few imputs that actually help me see a new side of me, won’t I?

And all the people that present themselves as if they already made it. People that are sometimes 10 years my junior and that seem as if they have all their shit together. I’m fed up!

Of course is helpful and important to have role models to see what else is possible an that you could do it too. And I get that you want to show off your best side to show what you accomplished. But very often that just makes me feel even more inadequate.

I know that there are a lot of projections in that text, and I know how to probably treat them. But to be honest, sometimes I just don’t want to! Sometimes I just want to be angry. Not have to “improve” myself again. Sometimes I just want to be with my anger, to be fed up with all the “bad” in the world. Not having to blame myself to still have another projection where other people trigger something that is not their fault. Bullshit! I’m not even angry at someone particular. It is important for me, not only to present that bright and shiny goal, but to show what is there at the moment.

Yes I know that state where everything is awesome like on drugs and that is nice. But I also want to have the right and the room, not to have to be in that state. Simply to sit there in my imperfection and let the world be.

Very often it helps me to read or hear something that Stefan Hiene (site in german only) said. He is so refreshingly radical about doing his thing without obeying the rules of others. Not hiding his imperfections and being amazing because of it. Thank you for that!

pressure and the need to do something

It has been a time of highs and lows for me the past few weeks. I’m usually very easily overwhelmed by my emotions, so I constructed an intricate pattern of safety nets, not to get tangled up in them. This has – for a long time – served me well in supporting me not to feel very much at all. The side effect of it is though, that the emotions don’t really go away. They are still here, they seem to be getting stronger, and I feel like I can’t handle them, because I’m not used to it.

So probably, they’re not really that big, but if you are lying on the floor, not remembering that you could get up or how you could get up, it seems like an insurmountable thing to handle. Especially if you see a tractor, or even a small scooter coming at you.

Yesterday, I felt like a truck hit me. I saw it coming for a long time – creeping closer every second. This is actually already a big accomplishment for me, since I would have just looked at the ground in the past… So I watched while it was getting bigger and bigger. I was so afraid it would hit me. And somehow, suddently I got up. Looked right at it while it was coming. I took a step to the left – it adjusted its course. I took a step to the right – it adjusted again. I tried to reason with it, but how can you reason with a truck?

And then, somehow, it stopped. Right in front of me. It didn’t really hit, but that fear of really looking, really dealing with what’s coming, trying to fight it, and then dealing with all the dust that was swirling around, wrapping my head around the fact that it didn’t hit me… That still has me rattled, more than a day later.

It’s probably similar with most of the emotions someone has to deal with. For me this time it was about the pressure I put on myself to do something (for all kinds of different reasons). That need to put pressure on myself is either triggered by some belief, some action that happens, or a person. I understand that it’s just myself that’s doing the pushing, so most of the time I do not put blame on some outside thing or person. That’s not really the point anyway.

The hard thing to deal with is the actual emotions. So – if I look at my analogy again, the truck was the trigger. Usually I just let that pressure wash over me and force myself to do whatever it takes to not feel it any more. Mostly that’s just running faster, working harder, closing my eyes to what’s actually there.

Yesterday , I saw it all coming, I felt all the pressure beforehand, really felt it in my whole body, from my head to my toes. And then I said NO. I might want to do that, but at the moment I could only do it under pressure and it’s just not worth it. I don’t under any circumstance (except theats to my life) want to do that any more.

I don’t know how to do it differently, but that’s just a new process that I have to try. It’s hard work to find a new way of doing some thing differently that you have done in one way for as long as you can remember. But that’s a kind of work that I want to put in.

Selbstausdruck

In meinem Leben habe ich immer wieder kleine und größere Dinge geschafft auf die ich eigentlich stolz bin, die ich aber nie wirklich öffentlich gezeigt habe, bzw. so klein wie möglich gehalten habe, und auch nicht so richtig mir selbst zugestanden habe, stolz darauf zu sein. Es war und ist sehr schwer für mich, mich wirklich zu zeigen. Ich habe zwar Teile von dem was ich geschaffen habe und auch einige Gedanken von mir in meinem bisherigen Blog http://wanderingtreechild.wordpress.com geteilt, aber hatte mich nie getraut, es mit meinem Namen zu verbinden. Ich hatte immer das Gefühl, dass ich nicht bereit war, mich mit den Auswirkungen auseinander zu setzen, die dies mit sich bringen könnte. Würde ich meine Glaubwürdigkeit für meine bisherige Arbeit verlieren? Oder für zukünftige Aufgaben? Würde ich jemanden der mich kennt blamieren?

Es gibt einen TED talk von Brene Brown (Brene Brown über Verletzlichkeit), der in mir immer unterschiedliche Reaktionen hervorruft. Manchmal kommt ein Gefühl von Motivation, Inspiration und Mut, dass ich meine Unsicherheiten umarmen kann und daran wachsen und stärker werden kann. Manchmal ist da aber auch ein Gefühl von Leugnung. Das Gefühl, dass es doch noch einen anderen Weg geben muss, um diese Unsicherheiten und Ängste los zu werden. Mein Wunsch ist es, in den Situationen wo ich das Gefühl der Leugnung wahrnehme, zu mir zu stehen, und trotzdem Mut zu fassen, meinen nächsten Schritt zu gehen.

Für mich ist dieser Blog also ein Weg um mir zu helfen, meinen Mut zu finden, Schritt für Schritt meine Angst und Unsicherheiten zu sehen, zu umarmen, zu mögen, und sie als Teil von mir zu akzeptieren. Und vielleicht kann ich dich oder andere auch dazu inspirieren, das gleiche zu tun.

Inzwischen fühle ich mich relativ sicher, wenn ich über Ideen und Theorien schreibe, die jemand entwickelt hat, und die ich gut finde. Und auch das Entwickeln und Schreiben über eigene Ideen macht mir keine Angst mehr. Im Grunde ist es ja nur eine von vielen Ideen, die ich in meinem ganzen Leben habe. Ideen kommen und gehen so schnell, dass ich mich nicht wirklich persönlich damit identifiziere. Was mir am meisten Angst macht ist das Schreiben über Dinge, die ich (noch) nicht kann. Mir macht Angst, all die Teile zu zeigen, die mir peinlich sind, weil ich sie (noch) nicht so gut kann wie ich es mir wünschen würde.

Da ich schon ziemlich lange im Bereich der (IT) Sicherheit tätig bin, ist es eine sehr große Herausforderung für mich, nicht nur auf einer persönlichen aber auch auf einer beruflichen und philosophischen Ebene, neue Möglichkeiten darin zu sehen, Risiken einzugehen und Verletzbarkeit zuzulassen. Aber es ist eine Herausforderung, der ich mich stellen möchte.

Ich bin auch immer daran interessiert, über deine Gedanken zu lesen. Was sind die Dinge, die für dich eine Herausforderung darstellen? Was möchtest du nicht, das andere von dir sehen?