I’m fed up!

I didn’t write for such a long time, because I always valued other tasks as more important. Task for my job, tasks for the projects I’m part of, tasks my friends or family asked me to, tasks that I thought were expected of me.

No matter what, it was always more important than to do the things that made me happy at the moment. And when I finally had time, I had to play a defiant little child almost as long as I had worked before. Every time I was mad at myself afterwards, that I didn’t assign my wishes a higher priority. That anger and defiance was expressed in a way that I just didn’t want to do anything any more. Not even the things that would make me happy.

But now I’m sitting here, feeling like a rebell, that I’m finally able to express how I feel. And I’m fed up! I began quite some time ago to consciously deal with myself, my inner parts, and consciously observe the world around me.

This lead to me following a lot of facebook pages writing about what to consider when being on a journey of self discovery, what you have to do to be able to have healthy relationships, how important it is to have inner and outer silence, and all the other things I still need to learn, before I’m allowed to feel good in my own skin.

Yes, I know that I can just unfollow these pages, but then I would miss the few imputs that actually help me see a new side of me, won’t I?

And all the people that present themselves as if they already made it. People that are sometimes 10 years my junior and that seem as if they have all their shit together. I’m fed up!

Of course is helpful and important to have role models to see what else is possible an that you could do it too. And I get that you want to show off your best side to show what you accomplished. But very often that just makes me feel even more inadequate.

I know that there are a lot of projections in that text, and I know how to probably treat them. But to be honest, sometimes I just don’t want to! Sometimes I just want to be angry. Not have to “improve” myself again. Sometimes I just want to b with my anger, to be fed up with al the “bad” in the world. Not having to blame myself to still have another projection where other people trigger something that is not their fault. Bullshit! I’m not even angry at someone particular. It is important for me, not only to present that bright and shiny goal, but to show what is there at the moment.

Yes I know that state where everything is awesome like on drugs and that is nice. But I also want to have the right and the room, not to have to be in that state. Simply to sit there in my imperfection and let the world be.

Very often it helps me to read or hear something that Stefan Hiene (site in german only) said. He is so refreshingly radical about doing his thing without obeying the rules of others. Not hiding his imperfections and being amazing because of it. Thank you for that!

pressure and the need to do something

It has been a time of highs and lows for me the past few weeks. I’m usually very easily overwhelmed by my emotions, so I constructed an intricate pattern of safety nets, not to get tangled up in my emotions. This has – for a long time – served me well in supporting me not to feel very much at all. The side effect of it is though, that the emotions don’t really go away. They are still here, they seem to be getting stronger, and I feel like I can’t handle them, because I’m not used to it.

So probably, they’re not really that big, but if you are lying on the floor, not remembering that you could get up or how you could get up, it seems like an insurmountable thing to handle. Especially if you see a tractor, or even a small scooter coming at you.

Yesterday, I felt like a truck hit me. I saw it coming for a long time – creeping closer every second. This is actually already a big accomplishment for me, since I would have just looked at the ground in the past… So I watched while it was getting bigger and bigger. I was so afraid it would hit me. And somehow, suddently I got up. Looked right at it while it was coming. I took a step to the left – it adjusted its course. I took a step to the right – it adjusted again. I tried to reason with it, but how can you reason with a truck?

And then, somehow, it stopped. Right in front of me. It didn’t really hit, but that fear of really looking, really dealing with what’s coming, trying to fight it, and then dealing with all the dust that was swirling around, wrapping my head around the fact that it didn’t hit me… That still has me rattled, more than a day later.

It’s probably similar with most of the emotions someone has to deal with. For me this time it was about the pressure I put on myself to do something (for all kinds of different reasons). That need to put pressure on myself is either triggered by some belief, some action that happens, or a person. I understand that it’s just myself that’s doing the pushing, so most of the time I do not put blame on some outside thing or person. That’s not really the point anyway.

The hard thing to deal with is the actual emotions. So – if I look at my analogy again, the truck was the trigger. Usually I just let that pressure wash over me and force myself to do whatever it takes to not feel it any more. Mostly that’s just running faster, working harder, closing my eyes to what’s actually there.

Yesterday , I saw it all coming, I felt all the pressure beforehand, really felt it in my whole body, from my head to my toes. And then I said NO. I might want to do that, but at the moment I could only do it under pressure and it’s just not worth it. I don’t under any circumstance (except theats to my life) want to do that any more.

I don’t know how to do it differently, but that’s just a new process that I have to try. It’s hard work to find a new way of doing some thing differently that you have done in one way for as long as you can remember. But that’s a kind of work that I want to put in.

Expression of self

In my life I have been doing all kinds of small and big things that I’m proud of, but never really showed and acknowledged them in public, as well as to myself. It’s been hard for me to really show myself. I showed some of my work and thoughts on my previous blog http://wanderingtreechild.wordpress.com, but was always afraid of officially connecting it to my name. I always felt that I was exposing myself in a way that I wasn’t prepared to handle. Will I loose my credibility for the work I have been doing? Or for my future work? Will I embarass someone who knows me?

There is a TED talk by Brene Brown (brene brown on vulnerability) that always creates some kind of reaction inside me. Sometimes it’s motivation, inspiration and courage that I can hug my vulnerabilities and grow stronger because of them. Other times the feeling that comes up is more like denial; that there has to be another way to get rid of my vulnerabilities and fears. It is my wish, to be able to identify the situations where I feel like I’m in denial, to accept it the way it is, and still find the courage to take my next step.

So for me, having this blog is a way of helping me to find the courage – piece by piece – to see my fears and insecurities, and learn to hug them, like them, accept them as part of myself. And maybe inspire you or others to do the same.

By now I feel relatively safe to write about ideas or theories that someone has that I agree with. And even developing my own ideas and writing about them doesn’t really scare me that much any more. After all, it’s just one of many ideas I have throughout my life. They come and go so fast, that I don’t really identify with them on a personal level. What scares me the most, is writing about my struggles, showing all the parts of me that I’m embarrassed of, that are not as well developed as I would want them to be.

Since I’ve worked in the field of (IT) Security for quite some time, it is a real challenge, not only personally but also professionally and philosophically to see opportunities in taking risks and allowing vulnerability, but it’s a challenge I want to face.

I’m also always interested to hear your thoughts. What are the things that you struggle with? What is it that you don’t want others to see?