In my live now and again I achieved smaller and bigger things that I’m proud of, but never really showed publicly or kept as small as possible. I didn’t even really admit it to myself, that I was proud. It was and still is really hard for me, to really show myself. I did manage to show parts of what I accomplished and some of my thoughts in my previous blog http://wanderingtreechild.wordpress.com, but was always too afraid to connect it to my name. I always had the feeling that I wasn’t ready to open myself up to the effects that it would generate. Would I loose my credibility at my previous work? Or some future work? Would I embarrass someone that knows me?
There is a TED talk by Brene Brown (Brene Brown on vulnerability),that always causes different reactions in myself. Sometimes there is a feeling of motivation, inspiration and bravery, that I can embrace my insecurities and grow and become stronger through it. Sometimes there is a feeling of denial. The feeling, that there has to be another way to get rid of these insecurities and fears. It is my wish to really stay with me, in situations where the feelings of denial come up, and to be courageous nonetheless to take the next step.
For me, this blog is also a way to help myself to find my own courage, to see my fears and insecurities step by step, to embrace them, to like them, and to accept them as part of myself. And maybe I can inspire you or others to do the same.
By now I feel relatively secure when I write about ideas and theories that were developed by someone else, but that I like and support. And also creating and writing about own ideas doesn’t ignite fear inside me. It is actually just one of many ideas that I have during my whole life. Ideas come and go so fast, that I don’t personally identify with. What really scares me is to write about things that I can’t do (yet). It scares me to show all the parts of me that are embarrassing, because I can’t (yet) do them as well as I would like.
Because I’ve been in the area of (IT) security for quite some time, it is a really big challenge for me – not only on a personal level, but also professionally and philosophically – to see new possibilities in taking risks and allowing vulnerability. But it is a challenge that I want to accept.
I’m always interested to also read your thoughts on this topic. What are the things that challenge you? What are the things you don’t want others to see?